Moved

The moving was horrible.

I went numb on the Sunday night, our final night in our house. Or perhaps it was the Saturday? I started to have a moment on that last night that could have ended terribly. I cried, almost out of control. But in the end I pulled myself together and just went numb. I watched the sun set over the back yard, over the mango tree and the roofline of Chloe's cubby and felt the world end. I took a photo of that moment and kept the scent of the evening flowers in my mind. Then I lost my phone and that photo, along with that moment is gone forever.

Some people would love a chance at a new beginning. Not me. I was battling on but things would have got easier. Not this way though, this is horrible.

The packers came and took everything over the space of three days. By the time it was pouring down with rain on the final day, I went to the house to let the cleaner in and it all hit. The house was empty, it echoed. It was like walking into a dead body. All the memories, all the love and warmth was gone and it was just a shell. No going back, nothing more I could do. All just gone.

I hadn't wanted to go over and see it like that but thought perhaps I should have. What a terrible mistake. I cried. No, I howled a deep, primal howl that came from somewhere so deep I can't even say it sounded like a cry. My neighbour walked in and found me and helped me out to the car. That was the last time I went there.

The move over here has been ok. I have NOTHING to do during the days and it is really hard living under someone else's roof. I keep having nightmares about having to pack up and leave home in Australia then I wake up and realise it's not a dream and that it is my life.

We are going through the motions of building a house. I hold out little hope that it will actually happen. I have learned not to get my hopes up. I just hope we are in our own home again by Christmas.

By the weekend we should be in our rental, the house next door to my in-laws. It is a tiny two bedder and we will have to have Maxy in our room but it will do for now. I need somewhere I can call my own again for a little while and grieve.

I don't want to be in New Zealand, away from everything I know. I don't want to think about the future. That I might even grow to like this place and one day have to move again. I think about dying a lot. I think my kids might be better off without me.